my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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