I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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