well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
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