a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
