I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
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