I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Randomize
