I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
Randomize
