I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I think my vagina is haunted
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
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