I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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