If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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