I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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