Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Randomize
