I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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