There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
Randomize
