You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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