he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
You've changed since you got that strap on
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
