They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize