I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
whose ass print is on the piano?
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
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