she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
