Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
