I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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