I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Randomize
