i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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