i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
