I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
