We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
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