When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
