hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
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