The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
