i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
