I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Randomize