she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
There r osticjed everywhere
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
