My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
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