this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
