If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Classy? Dude, she fucked 3 guys as part of a scavenger hunt
And?
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
