yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Randomize
