Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
