i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
