In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
zippers are such a cool invention
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
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