we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
