Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
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