Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
