How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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