I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize
