You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
Hippo gnu deer
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
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You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
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I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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