Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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