We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Randomize
