I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.