Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Randomize
