why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
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he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
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But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.