this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
These 31 People Are Lazier Than You Could Ever Imagine
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
What is this nonsense on the table
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
27 Drunk People That Pissed Off The Cops And Got What They Deserved
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction