You work out of a Hotel?
I don't get it.
Me neither.
But I masturbated to it anyway.
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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