Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
