if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
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