Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
