This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?