the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
found the other keg... it's in the tree
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize
