i just sent this text using only my big toe
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
