In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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