I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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