Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
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She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
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